see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
