I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My dad just said "fuck circus"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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