I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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