How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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