I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
