Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
