My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
