The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
