I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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