got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
