You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I think my vagina is haunted
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize