I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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