So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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