if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
