We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Randomize
