Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
