i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
