I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
