Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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