U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
