So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize