And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
