I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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