paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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