i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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