my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude i'm inner monologue high
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
