wrigley field is MILF paradise
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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