I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
