What a fucking waste of an outfit
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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