I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
