Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
