You're completely useless in the revolution.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
