you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I love you. Go after that dick
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
