He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
