i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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