i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
