Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
