my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
