You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
