Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
