it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
