I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
