one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
