I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
