my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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