standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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