He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize