Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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