you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
