then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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