she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
