i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
