Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
This toilet bowl is my home.
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