I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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