my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize