So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
