you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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