I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
