the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
